Put to the Test

I'm going to be turning twenty-five years old in just six days. I'm young, yes, but I'm not that young. I have experienced many things, but there is much more I haven't done. I'm content but I want more. I'm satisfied but eager. I've done so much, but I have so much more to do.

I'm also nervous and afraid and anxious.

I expressed to my husband that I wasn't sure why I was so apprehensive. It's certainly not as though I've never made life-changing decisions before. I chose to get married, to have a child, to buy a house. Those decisions are far more life altering than joining the military and I felt no great fear or nervousness in those decisions.

My husband was quick to point out that this is the first time in my life I will be stepping out entirely on my own. A marriage is a partnership of two people and if it fails it is usually as a result of both parties failing. Similarly, raising a child is a joint task and something inside of me is comforted by the fact that I will never be held 100% responsible should those things fall apart.

I have never been forced to make a life-changing decision or undertake a life-changing course of action entirely on my own. I've never bought a car. I've never had my own apartment or lived on my own. I've never been fully responsible for all of my own bills or even a cell phone. I've had plenty of jobs that have greatly contributed to bills and the ease of our lives but I've never been solely responsible for my own or anyone else's welfare.

I went directly from my parents' home to a private college and from there back to my parents' home then straight to a marital union with a stable and wonderful man who has provided for all of my needs. While there were many time my husband was not there to support me in some things his paychecks, voice, emails or presence has always been there combined with the loving support of friends and family to see me through any and every trial.

I understand about responsibility. I also understand about confidence and decisiveness. I understand the concept of self-reliance but they are traits I have never had to develop within myself.

For the quarter of a century that I have been alive I have never been completely, 100%, self-reliant.

That makes me feel.... ashamed, perhaps even a bit cheap and needy. If there's anything I detest it's feeling needy.

When I step off that bus at Parris Island and I stand on those yellow footprints it will be me and me alone doing it. My husband will not be there. My family will not be there. There will be no phone call for encouragement or to ask what to do next. I will not be awarded the luxury of waiting for someone else to make the tough decision or of passing off blame or responsibility to someone else. If I fail it will be because I failed. If I succeed it will be because I succeeded.

This both excites and terrifies me.

This is my moment to be tried and tested. This is my time to stand on my own and prove to no one but myself that I have the courage and the strength to be an individual in every sense of the word. And if I falter, this is my moment to find new reserves within myself, not my friends, my family or my husband, but myself alone. This is my time to at least try.

If I can do this I can do anything.