Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Ornery Recruiter (Language Warning)

My husband has met my PT recruiter once. They shook hands, the recruiter (let's call him SSgt Crabs) said, "I hear you're a Marine."

My husband said that he had been.

SSgt Crabs said, "That's what I like to hear."

And that was about the extent of their contact with one another.

So when I kept saying that SSgt Crabs was an ornery individual my husband kept saying, "What do you mean? Give me an example."

Most of the time his prickly demeanor is quite humerus.... as long as it's not directed at you.

SSgt Crabs has a gift. A gift for being angry and coming up with a come-back or comment that is both hilarious and humiliating. He can make you feel two inches tall while making everyone else around you laugh his head off while he simultaneously thanks his lucky stars he isn't the brunt of the joke.

He also has the uncanny ability to make two words out of a three-word sentence swear words.

I will give a few examples:

#1

We arrived at the poolee function on Saturday and while we were the largest group of poolees there were other poolees from other substations milling around, waiting for the function to start. Some of them were not wearing the issued navy blue poolee shirt.

Once everyone had arrived, we were told to get into a school circle (which is just everyone sitting in a circle on the ground around someone who is standing in the middle and giving instruction) and my regular recruiter (whom I'll call SSgt Moor) gave a quick talk about paperwork and new changes in the Corps.

Afterward, SSgt Crabs yelled, "Everyone who is not wearing the blue poolee shirt or a variation thereof, come see me right now!"

The five or six poor souls circled themselves around Crabs and the tirade began.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT WEARING YOUR POOLEE SHIRTS!?! Do you think you are fucking special? Why do you think we call them fucking poolee shirts? Did you think, maybe, it was because you were suppose to fucking wear them to your goddamn poolee functions?"

A poolee started to talk but was quickly cut off.

"Shut the fuck up! I didn't tell you to talk. Look at everyone else. They were smart enough to wear their poolee shirts so what the fuck is wrong with you? It is your uniform. That is what the Marine Corps is about: uniformity. And you fuckers don't look very uniform.

"How many of you have not sworn in?"

The poolees looked around at each other, unsure and scarred of producing the wrong answer.

"I asked you a fucking question. Jesus Christ you are pissing me off. Have you been to MEPS?"

Everyone nodded and a few managed to sneak in a "Yes, Sir."

"Okay. How many of you have NOT been back and lifted your goddamn hands and sworn in?"

Three kids raised their hands.

"Okay, you three can leave. You haven't gotten your shirts yet so that's why you don't have them. Go!"

The three scurried away while he started again, "BUT THE REST OF YOU HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE!..."

#2

Just as were were getting ready to do the Combat Fitness Test (CFT), a poolee attempted to pick up one of the ammo cans and the handle broke.

Since you are supposed to run half of the course with two 30 lbs ammo cans it was pretty important that you have a handle with which to do so.

SSgt Crabs started cursing while he bent over the ammo can and attempted to fix the handle.

An unfortunate poolee just in front of me said, "Do you have any duct tape?"

Those of us who know SSgt Crabs winced as he stood up, "Yes! I have fucking duct tape. I keep it in my fucking back pocket at all damn times. Let me get it," he feigned reaching for his back pocket. "OH SHIT! Looks like I fucking forget it today, now doesn't it?!"

The poolee, in attempts to defend himself said, "Well, I thought maybe you had some in your car."

"Shut the fuck up! No, I don't have any in my goddamn car. I know. I'll just fucking materialize some." He tilted his head and pretended to be concentrating. "Well, it seems I've lost my fucking powers. FUCK! Do you have a leatherman?"

The poolee said, "No."

"Well, why the fuck not? You expect me to have fucking duct tape, I expect you to have a goddamn leatherman. Looks like we both failed at our fucking jobs. Damn! Shut up!"

#3

One very motivated poolee was asking all of the Marines at our poolee function how many pullups or crunches or ammo can lifts they could do or how fast they could run. Every time he would get an answer he would say something about the superiority of the Marine Corps and how much they kick ass.

No one was really paying much attention to him. If anything it was kind of funny to listen to his oozing motivation.

Apparently it was getting under SSgt Crabs' skin because after one final comment about how great the Marine Corps is, SSgt Crabs lost it on the kid.

"Shut up! Seriously! Shut the fuck up! Do not.. I say again, DO NOT open your mouth for the rest of the fucking day. Fucking shit head."

You would have thought this kid was just punched in the gut, how wounded he looked.


As I said, these are just a few examples and the principle reason as to why I find it easier to fly beneath his radar. I give short answers, never try to explain anything, and do as I'm told without so much as a single deviation to his directions. Anything to avoid setting him off.

Here's hoping I can continue to avoid his wrath.

2 comments:

  1. He has stress problems. We can't control how we feel, but we can control our behavior. His problem is that his only reaction to stress is being hostile and aggressive.

    He learned that somewhere (...) and now he gets stressed easily, doesn't know how to accept it, reacts badly, and then acts like it's not a problem because of ego.

    So basically, don't take it personally. And remember that no matter how hostile he gets, he's not going to decapitate anyone, so don't get too anxious.

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  2. At least he's getting you prepared for boot camp. That's pretty much how it will be anyway if you don't want to be the Drill Instructor's favorite recruit. :P

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